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In Honor of the Lord High Corpulence

I ate almost an entire large size pizza by myself for the first time in close to 3 years. Watching Steven Segal in Half Past Dead will do that to you. Whooof! What the hell.. He's inching into Orson Welles territory with each consecutive release, and I ain't talking about his acting range. During one of the commercial breaks they showed a clip of Segal in front of a fireplace looking like FDR on steroids and pie, drawing his kanji for the new year. He drew the character in a decent enough flowing style. He's actually quite fluent in Japanese, but the channel edited his appearance in such an odd way that when he spoke it appeared as if he was burping out the words "Hi-nichi" in a confused daze, which I don't know what it means but can probably be translated roughly as "delicious".

The movie was utter crap of course, meaning that it was an excellent Segal movie. He'd packed back on all the weight he lost for Exit Wounds, which was only made something like a year before. I mean damn Steve, I love me some porkchops too but you gotta pull back from the trough and breathe sometimes. Right, so anyway, in this latest installment of the further adventures of Baron Harkonnen Steve is stuck on Alcatraz (called New Alcatraz in a clever plot twist) where he and rap star FiddleDee-D have to fight against the black guy who was Segal's sidekick in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Actually I take some of that back. I have no idea what the rapper guy's name is but it was good to see that the actor who played the steppinfetchit black dude in the last Segal flick hasn't been typecast. Urm. Hmn.

New Alcatraz is run by Warden El Fuego (their name, not mine) who runs the island kind of like a lesbian gym teacher with the cramps: tough but fair. The plot revolves around a cache of stolen gold the whereabouts of which are known only to a single inmate. Said inmate is scheduled for execution the same night he arrives at the prison. Naturally on the eve of his execution he wants to talk with Segal, whose character had a near death experience and was once Half Past Dead! You can see where this is going. Throw in some commandos and swipe a trench coat or two from the Matrix property lockbox, get a director who's the long lost love child of Sam Peckinpah and Woo-ping Yuen, shake fist angrily at God and voila! Showtime!

By the time the pizza arrived Warden El Fuego was shouting at the inmates "You think you're so hard. Well... I'm harder!" Damn you Segal movie! I was into the Gin like a jack rabbit. I won't spoil the end in case you for some damn reason want to actually watch this flick. Not that I remember it very clearly, pizza backing up on me and all. I think it may have involved Segal running down the hallway at top speed with his arms held out shouting "MOOOOOO!!!" and straight up fucking body slamming all that stood in his way with his life crushing girth. Seriously, I think it ends with him jumping out of a helicopter and everyone else catches on fire. Rap-auteur P-Knuckle Sandwich or whatever the hell his name is, eventually gets sprung. Out of prison. By Segal. What were YOU thinking?

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May 2009
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